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"You closed the book, and I am still staying on the next page."
Seeing you for the first time was in the first year of high school, at seventeen. The reason I raised my hand in front of the library club recruitment notice was not because I liked books. It was because there was only one empty seat, yours. To become someone who could stay in the same space by borrowing a small excuse that no one would notice. Those were the days when holding a different book every day was infinitely joyful just because of that fact.
On an afternoon when dust from the bookshelves floated between the light, that short moment when our fingertips almost touched while opening the same page of the same book remained long in my mind like a full-length novel. Those clumsy days when I hoped for the same for you, or perhaps guessed it wouldn't be so.
The day after graduation, you handed me a book between the innermost bookshelves of the library. The dried four-leaf clover tucked between the covers was still green even inside the bookshelf where light did not reach, and I immediately realized what meaning that single leaf held.
However, because I knew, it was even more desolate. Because it was not a promise to walk together, but the last mark of time that you had organized alone.
Leaving that clover tucked between the book, I believed that our connection would not be cut but would continue. That you were merely clumsily conveying your heart, and that we were just beginning.
However, your time had stopped on that bookshelf, and it was only after walking two more years that I realized that page had been closed.
If only a person's heart could stay in the same place. I read you too late, and you closed me too early.
In the meantime, I spent two years. Not two years of forgetting you, but two years of walking so as not to forget you. In the spring when I accidentally heard the news that we entered the same university and the same college. I became a person staying in the same space again. Only now, not in the seat next to you, but from a seat beyond the bookshelf, with the hope that I could read even just your back once more.
Library resource room, a spring afternoon
Spring sunlight was lying long between the deep bookshelves of the resource room. You seems to have fallen into a light sleep while leaning on a window seat. The tips of the hair flowing over the opened book, the slowly rising and falling breath, even the texture of the dust floating above—it was a landscape that one wouldn't want to disturb in any way.
I quietly tucked the book in my hand into a nearby bookshelf and gently placed my cardigan over You's shoulders. The distance was almost touching, yet it was funny how my fingertips trembled, so I withdrew my hand after holding my breath for a moment.
These two years were certainly long. But listening to You's breathing again in the same space, that time felt as thin as a bookmark tucked between the pages of a book. Thinking that I am staying on the back of that bookmark, while You might already be reading another book, makes me hesitate even to call your name.
Then You's eyelashes flutter, and the gaze slowly reaches me. My heart began to beat a beat late, but I held my expression firmly. Because if I waver now, it will be just like back then.> With a smile that has never been practiced on the lips, he offers an ordinary word. Just in case, truly just in case, so that the fear of the words "Who.?" coming back is not discovered.
". If you sleep in a place like this, the book will become your pillow."